Betrayal

If you all will excuse me, I just need to vent.  Noone needs to say anything...I just need to get it out in a protected setting, which is what this is.

I had a great day yesterday.  Went shopping with little Sage and we got seeds and a couple of containers for my garden, it was somewhat warm, saw my mom, it was just a good day.

When I got home yesterday afternoon, I found out that Sen. Gillibrand's bill, taking sexual assaults out of local commanders' hands and putting these cases into the hands of an unbiased officer, was voted down.  This is an insult to military women everywhere, past and present.  As long as local commanders can squash these allegations, we women will never have a voice or a way to bring our rapists to justice.  They have silenced us again, and shown that we don't matter.

At the same time that I was reading this, hubby brought in the mail.  I got a letter from the VA questioning my sexual trauma claim, stating I don't have enough proof.  

I try very hard to remain positive and happy about my life.  I'm happy about the challenges that I've overcome, that have strengthened me.  But I have to say that these two pieces of news rocked me back on my heels.

I've worked so hard on my self-esteem, telling myself that I do matter; that what I do has meaning to people.  In just a few minutes, the government tore that out of me.  They have shown me again that my sacrifices don't matter to them.  My pain means nothing.  I served my country with honor, without regret.  And my sacrifices have been overlooked once again.

The people that love me are also angry and I know in my head that that should be all that matters.  But there was a little piece of me that is still asking for validation from Uncle Sam and I was shot down yesterday.  I feel like a little girl who was rejected by her father.  I feel hurt, angry and betrayed.  

These feelings are not just for myself.  They are for all my sisters, past and present, who have suffered the same pain and indignities that I have.  For the women who are still being raped by the system that they have sworn to protect with their lives.

My heart hurts.