It's funny, out of all our dogs, the one who grieved the most was Sage. As a matter of fact, that weekend, she refused to eat or drink and by Monday, was in the hospital. She recovered, but it was a tough road.
Since then, we have adopted Sasha, a pit mix that is the most mild tempered dog we've ever had. She goes to work with me and Sage every day, sleeps on the couch under her blankie and looks for squirrels. Sasha is about 5 years old and we understand that she was abandonded and abused. But you could never tell that from her demeanor. She is grateful to have a good home life. She stays to herself at home, mostly, but at Dog World, she romps and plays. Probably scars from her previous home. That's ok, though, we love her anyway. So we have five dogs at home.
Why am I writing about my dogs? Because it's a prelude to where I'm going with this. Losing Donnagan was the final straw to my fragile psyche. About five or six months ago, I couldn't take the pain of my life anymore and tried to end it. Luckily, I had my friend Janie and my family who saw where I was going and pulled me back. They saved my life. I realized then, that my life had spiralled out of control and I couldn't pull myself out of this black hole called life by myself anymore.I had always prided myself on handling things myself. All the traumas I had suffered from childhood up to now, I handled myself. Only, I didn't handle them. I buried them. I buried them so deep that finally, my poor body couldn't handle anymore. Between the physical part of the Fibromyalgia and the emotional pain I'd been pushing down for decades, my mind just gave up.
I finally got serious about seeing a therapist for the first time ever and it was the smartest thing I ever did. I'm learning about myself and learning that it's ok not to be strong all the time.
I've learned that I have such a deep attachment to my dogs because I trust them more than I do people. Why? Because they love me unconditionally and they never hurt me. People have hurt me, in some form or fashion, all my life. I just never realized because I would brush it aside. And I buried myself so deep, that I allowed noone to get close to me, not even my own family. Subconsciously, I decided that I would not let anyone else hurt me again and the best way to do that was to let noone in.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is to open yourself up to pain and betrayal. But keeping everyone away is a lonely place to be. Not trusting anyone means that you are not trusted. So, here is my choice. I can continue along the path I have been, trusting noone, telling noone anything about myself, my fears, my insecurities, or I could take a chance and trust the people I love with myself and all my insecurities.
With the help of my wonderful therapist, I have been opening up. Slowly, but steadily. And I've learned something along the way. My family loves me. They will not intentionally hurt me. I can tell my husband things I've been bottling up for 20 or more years and he understands and is there for me.
I've also learned that I've been practicing what I preach. People hurt and betray. Instead of looking for love and acceptance among my family and friends, I've been doing it in the wrong places, such as work. So I've never been disappointed. I've been hurt and betrayed because these are not people who love me. They work for me. There is a difference. I've learned that. So, now, instead of hiring people who I feel sorry for and want to help, I hire people that are qualified to do the job and are an asset to my business.
I save my personal insecurities and my love and trust for my closest friends and family. This is only the first step of many, I know. There will still be a lot of pain and struggle to overcome throughout this journey. But I'm ready for it. I'm ready to say yes to life and yes to happiness.
With a little help from my friends.
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