Pity Party

I had a moment of self pity today.  I had my six month check up and after talking to my doc about all my spills, falls, and concussions, the consensus was that I need a cane.  Hubby agrees.  My manager agrees.  And, on a rational level, I agree.  The potential for me falling again is great and another concussion could be dangerous.

But that moment of self pity overtook me just a little while ago.  I couldn't be strong anymore: I couldn't pretend like I was ok with this anymore.  For a moment, I cried and asked why me?  What did I deserve for this to happen to me?  I'm only 49 years old and I should be enjoying life, not worrying about having to use a cane.

I had come to terms with my Fibromyalgia quite a while ago. As a matter of fact, I have been doing my best to be encouraging to myself and others and learning to enjoy a new life.  I've been pacing my self better, working less hours and days, staying home on my bad days.  But I've been learning to get out and enjoy life in the best way that I can, also.  If I couldn't hike into nature anymore, I could drive into it and still see it.  I've been planning secret adventures for hubby and I that we could do without too much strain on our bodies.

I've been learning to put the negative vibes away and push out the people in my life that brought those vibes back in.  I've been learning to deal with stress right away and act on it, rather than let it fester and make my illness worse.

So, why today?  I guess, why not today?  It had been a stressful day anyway, and I just realized something new today.It's ok to have moments of self pity, of anger.  There is no human on earth that could say, in all honesty, that they wouldn't have some of those feelings, even if they ignored them.  Noone is that noble.  We are human: we all have moments of self doubt.

But I guess the strength comes in picking myself back up.  Saying, ok, you've felt sorry for yourself.  Now, appreciate what you do have and join the living again.