My life. lately

I pondered long and hard about posting this and going public with it, but what the heck.  What if it helps one person?

These last two weeks have brought slam after slam after slam into my body and my soul.  I wondered if I would survive, but I did.

It started with a friend and some bad choices.  That led to my being threatened, harassed and having to go through the legal system.  And let me tell you, that is no picnic.  I didn't know it was possible for one person to spew so much hate.  I shrugged most of it off, just looking at the source, but it was still hurtful.  He didn't limit his hate-filled venom to me - he carried it over to my family and that's what hurt the worst.  He targeted the things I love the most.

While this was going on, I had been through a battery of medical tests to try to figure out what was wrong with me.  I ached so much and was so tired, among other things.  I was tested for lupus, for MS, for Graves Disease, you name it, I was tested for it.  Finally, they came up with a diagnosis.  I have Fibromyalgia.  Now, I'm sure that most of you will have the same reaction that I first did.  Fibromyalgia is a catch-all name for a disease that doesn't really exist.  It's nothing more than an excuse.  Well, after some research, I owed my doctor an apology.

According to the Mayo Clinic, "Fibromyalgia is the most common arthritis-related illness afterosteoarthritis. Still, it is often misdiagnosed and misunderstood. Its characteristics include widespread muscle and joint pain and fatigueas well as other symptoms. Fibromyalgia can lead to depression and social isolation." "Fibromyalgia causes you to ache all over. You may have symptoms of crippling fatigue -- even on arising. Specific tender points on the body may be painful to touch. You may experience swelling, disturbances in deep-level or restful sleep, and mood disturbances or depression."

Your muscles may feel like they have been overworked or pulled. They'll feel that way even without exercise or another cause. Sometimes, your muscles twitch, burn, or have deep stabbing pain.

Some patients with fibromyalgia have pain and achiness around the joints in the neck, shoulder, back, and hips."

Historically, fibromyalgia has been considered either a musculoskeletal disease or neuropsychiatric condition. Although there is as yet no cure for fibromyalgia, some treatments have been shown by controlled clinical trials to effectively reduce symptoms, including medications, behavioral interventions, patient education, and exercise. The most recent approach of a diagnosis of fibromyalgia involves pain index and a measure of key symptoms and severity.

Fibromyalgia has been recognized as a diagnosable disorder by the US National Institutes of Health and the American College of Rheumatology.Fibromyalgia, a central nervous system disorder, is described as a 'central sensitisation syndrome' caused by neurobiological abnormalities which act to produce physiological pain and cognitive impairments as well as neuro-psychological symptomatology.

Fibromyalia may also be caused by trauma and I have found out that hundreds of thousands of Desert Storm veterans have developed this disease, and I'll be researching this more and possibly filing a claim with the VA.

In the meantime, I have decided not to go the medicine route yet.  Side effects can be bad and I don't think my symptoms are bad enough yet to need them.  I am taking a mild sleeping pill every night.  Insomnia is a stressor and I find that sleeping well is a great medicine for me.  I'm also looking at taking Tai Chi classes for health.  Massage is also very good for this, so anyone wanting to give me a gift certificate for a massage - I wouldn't say no :)

That was round 2.  Round 3 was when our beloved pup, Ranger died unexpectedly.  This was so hard for us to deal with as a staff because he spent so much time with us and we watched him grow up.  Nine months was way too young for him to go.  And I know that his mom is still devastated and trying to go on.  Ranger, we miss you so much!

In the middle of all this going on, we were also doing remodelling at DWR.  Timing is everything, they say.  What do they know!

And now, for Round 4.  I had a mammogram two weeks ago that came back abnormal.  Last Wednesday, I went in for a follow up ultrasound.  That ultrasound turned into two needle biopsies.  And they hurt like the dickens!  No time wasted.  With the ultrasound machine still sitting there for me to look at balefully, they got two very, very long needles and proceeded to dig around in my breast until they got the liquid they wanted.  I heard something about dense tissue making it harder, but honestly, all I could think about where the waves of pain radiating through my body.  So now, I wait a week for the pathology report to come back and tell me whether or not I have breast cancer.  I'm trying very hard not to worry about it.  The clinic said the chance was good that it's not.  But not to get my hopes up too much.  Sounds like an oxymoron to me.

In the meantime, life goes on.  I'm taking a couple of days off and head out to the rv to try and get my head back where it needs to be.  I'm used to being the strong one, the one to comfort, and I'm not quite sure how to handle this.  I told my mom last night that I didn't want anyone hovering over me, because I wouldn't know how to handle it.  

Sometimes, though, a hug really sounds good.