A dirty secret

I've kept a secret for thirty years.  I am a survivor of abuse.  There, I've said it and now, these words don't have that much power anymore.  And I am a survivor, not a victim.  I will not allow anyone to ever victimize me again.  Ever.  I survived and I'm stronger for it.

The details of the abuse don't matter.  And out of respect for others' privacy, I won't divulge those details at this time.  I was a child, and it went on, in different ways, for fifteen years.  It left scars, both physical and emotional, that will be with me until the day I die.  I didn't have a childhood.  I went from youngster to old soul in a matter of months.

Those years shaped my life in so many ways.  For many years, I made a lot of bad choices, choices that not only affected me, but also my son.  And I am so grateful that he is understanding enough to have forgiven me a long time ago.  He taught me to forgive myself in a small way.  But there were many dark years that I spent hurting myself, over and over, because I thought that's what I deserved.  When my bad choices affected my son, I was lucky enough to have a couple of angels on my side who didn't judge or condemn me.  They stayed in my corner and helped me get through it and start over.  I truly owe my life to these two ladies.

Why am I talking about this now?  Because my past has just reared it's ugly head.  Due to unforseen circumstances, next weekend I will be facing my abuser for the first time in 20+ years.  My first reaction was fear.  It froze me in place.  All those old feelings just came rushing back.  That sick churning in my stomach.  That first reaction of flight - get away before he can hurt me again.

My next reaction was anger.  Anger at the people who put me into this situation to where I would have to face this monster.  Anger at having to relive my horrors again after all these years.  I don't care what anyone says.  You can get past these times, but they will always be with you, and it doesn't take much to bring back those old feelings.

My next step was acceptance.  Maybe it't time to take away the power from him and reclaim it for myself.  He can't hurt me anymore.  He's an old man and I am a strong woman, a woman who has survived the pits of hell and came back.  I have standing at my side a wonderful husband, a supportive son and best friend who will not leave me alone for one second.  They will not allow him the opportunity to even try to terrorize me.  Maybe this is the time to face him once and for all.  And maybe not.

I could have lived my entire life without seeing this monster again.  Those people who state emphatically that the best way to recover is to face your abuser have never been through it themselves and don't know what they're talking about.  Facing your abuser takes you back in a split second to that time, where you are a helpless child once again.  You are hit with all that pain and agony again like it was yesterday.

Dealing with abuse has been an ongoing debate for many years by many so-called experts.  I don't give a damn what they say.  I may be strong, I may be a survivor, and I am tough, but deep inside, that little child is terrified.

I will get through it with the love and support that I have by my side and I am grateful for that.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

I am strong.