It's October 2020 and life as we know it has changed. I went back to TN in early May, after a phone call from Oliver. That phone call changed my life. Mom was in the hospital because of her weakness. When I got there on Sunday night, we had a family conference and all agreed that it was time for mom to go into hospice. Treatment had been stopped and there was nothing else to do.
I went to the hospital Monday morning and mom was not happy to see me. They explained to her that treatment was over and it was time for her to enter hospice. She signed the MPOA and we drove home. The hospice care manager showed up a little later. We got mom a hospital bed, and oxygen. She couldn't breathe without it. Later that afternoon, she couldn't get off the toilet again. Got her back in bed with her oxygen and it was a restless night. Tuesday morning, she was getting weaker and weaker. Everyone came over, like they knew it was the last time. She went back to bed after lunch and never got up again. By that evening, she was incoherent. The hospice manager came over and put in a catheter since mom couldn't get out of bed anymore. Dr. Gaddis came by.
Wednesday was worse. Danny and Sheryl brought Kate over to say goodbye. Connor refused to go into the room. Danny arranged for a priest to perform last rites. That afternoon after everyone left, she became very agitated and tried to get out of bed. I tried to stop her and she fought me with everything she had. It was awful. She laid in bed in a nasty tank top and no underwear. I had to call Danny to come and help me. He was there in 10 minutes. That evening, everyone gathered because we knew the end was coming. I was trying to keep her comfortable with morphine and other drugs. I had quit giving her the diabetes shots.
We traded shifts on Wednesday night, knowing the end would be soon. We all agreed to up her morphine because she was so agitated, and we thought, in pain. We took turns all night, ensuring she was never alone.
By Thursday morning, her kidneys had shut down, her breathing had slowed and everyone said goodbye. About 10 am, Nicole and I were the last ones in the room with her. By that time, she was so pale and barely breathing. Nicole left the room to call Dewey. I sat, with my arms around her, telling her I loved her and to tell Oma hello. I told her it was ok to let go. After a few minutes, I realized that she had quit breathing.
I went out to tell Nicole and Danny. We called Oliver and Dave and hospice. We made other calls that had to be made, while Danny sat with her. The hospice nurse came in and Danny helped her get mom cleaned up for the funeral home to pick her up. Smith Funeral Home picked her up while we tried to figure out how to go on.
Friday we went to Smith's and set everything up for her cremation and we had a chance to say goodbye. Nicole and I had her dressed in her favorite mauve outfit that she always wore for special occasions. Danny had arranged for her remains to be interred at the church.
Saturday we had a wake where she was interred. It's funny, I couldn't cry until I saw Doc. Then I fell into pieces. I read the poem I found in the card I gave her. After it was over, we went back to the house. We had called Paneras to cater food, thank goodness. Everyone was there...Ruth and Don, Gwen and Neal, Dwight. It was a nightmarish day.
The next week was spent with lawyers, and others and trying to get things ready for me to go back home. I couldn't sleep at all. Walking by her room was tough. I was plagued with nightmares and couldn't close my eyes anymore. I ended up having to get nightlights just to be able to close my eyes. During the days, I helped Nicole clear out decades of junk. We finally managed to clean out her room and donate her clothes. We went through her jewelry and divided it up between me and her. There were a few things I wanted to bring home with me and I did.
Finally, the following Thursday, I drove home.
I've been plagued with so many feelings that I can't begin to count. Guilt, anger, grief, you name it. We've had to deal with her choices and her propensity to take shortcuts. Nicole has had to take out a loan to fix the roof. She's had to buy a new a/c unit. We've had to force Chad to move on buying the house and we learned that because she didn't feel like filling out a beneficiary form on her retirement, it was not part of her estate. The money was to be divided between us three kids.
Oliver has been a major pain to deal with and we finally had to send him an eviction letter. It's been back and forth with him. He's also had another heart attack and I think we finally reached an understanding. We'll see.
My therapist, Dr. Brisky, suggested I get back to writing to help heal. I don't know what's so healing yet.
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