A gift and a loss

This week, we look forward to the arrival of our long awaited granddaughter, Kate.  To say that she's already loved would be an understatement.  We have promised, agonized and sweated over every minute of her life for the next five years before she's even here.

That same eagerness was clouded some yesterday upon hearing of the passing of beloved actor and comic, Robin Williams.  I remember watching him in Mork and Mindy and thinking how could anyone be so physically funny.  Through the years he has touched our hearts and made us laugh in movies such as Good Morning Vietnam, Patch Adams, and the ever popular Dead Poets Society.  He was also hilarious in lesser known movies such as RV.

His death, as any other celebrity's death, has already caused controversy because the original findings are calling his passing a suicide.  Celebrity mongers are coming out of the woodwork to make a new for themselves by stirring up the public.  I've already heard him called a coward by someone on Fox News. Really?  He

can't hear you.  You're hurting his family, and stirring up a nation who wants to grieve.  By day's end, your name, though vilified, will be on the lips of millions, and I guess that's what you wanted.

Robin Williams has been fighting demons for most of his life, like most of us ordinary mortals.  His came in the form of addiction.  He fought them off for over twenty years until they came back with a vengeance in 2006. Since then, his battles have been a daily struggle to survive.

He has also battled depression for most of his life.  How can that be when he was one of the funniest men of our lifetime?  Very easily.  This, I understand.  To hide the internal pain we feel, we present a facade to the world so noone can see our pain.  We try to convince ourselves that if we hide it long enough, it will go away.  But it never does.  It sits on our shoulders, waiting for that moment of weakness to strike.

Depression is a pain that those of us who are afflicted have to fight every day.  We fight to talk, to walk, to live our lives.  We fight to stay responsible and be the loving parents, brothers, sisters, spouses and children everyone expects us to be.  We fight the absolute loneliness we feel despite being surrounded by our loved ones and hide in shame.  We're not supposed to feel like this.  We're loved and we should get over it.

Well, can anyone get over cancer or heart disease just because someone says you should?  No.  Depression is the same way.  It's an illness of the brain that has carried the stigma of shame for so long that most people hide it.  Have many times have you seen people carry the banner of being a cancer survivor?  How many times have you seen anyone carry the banner of a depression survivor?  They deserve our support and understanding as well.  Today, 22 veterans will take their own lives because of their pain, physical and emotional.  And tomorrow will be the same thing and the day after and the day after.

When someone dies by suicide, it's not an act of cowardice. It's being unable to cope with the pain one feels.  I have come to that crossroads and understand the desperation and despair that brings someone to that precipice.  I was fortunate enough to have someone pull me back and I've been in treatment and medication ever since.  But I also know that depression and mental illness are very tricky and can sneak back up on you before you know it.  The days of hiding my mental illness and PTSD are over.  I AM a survivor and if I can help one other person become a survivor, then I've fulfilled my purpose.

Yes, when someone commits suicide, they take away their own pain and give it to their loved ones.  But I ask you not to judge until you've really walked a few miles in their shoes.  Mental illness, depression are heard to live with.  Even harder when one has to hide it because the people around you refuse to understand.  So, I ask....don't judge.  Help.