Changes in my Life

The post before this one was one I had written in early June and never published.  It's amazing what three short months will do to a person.  I have reached highs and lows that I never would have guessed that I'd survive.  But I did, and I'm a better person for it.

In the last three months, I have lost my business because of my health, learned to come to terms with this chronic disease called Fibromyalgia, started having flashbacks of a rape I suffered while in Desert Storm, survived a suicide attempt, lost two beloved dogs, and gained three more.  My marriage nearly dissolved, and now it's stronger than ever.

Losing my business was one of the hardest things for me to deal with.  I started it with a dream of making a difference in dogs' lives and I loved what I was doing.  Walking away from that dream left me with such a sense of failure that I never thought I would recover from it.  I was lucky enough to have my mom and brother take it over, so it's still in the family and run the way I started it.  But I went from being a successful career women with a Type A personality, to being a respected business owner to being what I felt was a nothing.  All of a sudden, I had no goals and no future to work towards.  I went home and had no purpose anymore.

On top of that, I had to start using a cane and my stress caused my Fibromyalgia to go into full flare.  I spent a month at home, laying on the couch, in too much pain to move.  I was in a vicious cycle, in too much pain to do anything, knowing that not doing anything would just cause more pain.  In addition, all I did was grieve over the loss of my dogs and my business.  That was all I thought about.  My husband I also argued a lot during this time, causing even more stress.

Add to that my flashbacks, and life became too much to bear.  I decided I couldn't live with the pain anymore and tried to overdose.  Thanks to my husband, I wasn't successful.  That was my lowest point I had ever been to.  Now came the challenge of trying to crawl out of this pit.

Hubby demanded I go to the VA and seek help there since I wasn't getting much in the civilian sector, with the exception of my therapist.  I went to the VA and was lucky enough to be assigned a wonderful doctor. His first goal was to help manage my pain so I could start moving again, so he prescribed pain medication that has been a godsend.  I was very honest with him and told him everything, including my suicide attempt.  As soon as he was done with me, I was sent in to see another therapist, one who specialized in Military Sexual Trauma and PTSD.  I see her every two weeks and she has been instrumental in helping me overcome my feelings of shame.

Flash forward to today and I can happily say that I've dragged myself out of the hole.  I've learned to let go of the business and just enjoy going down to play with the dogs.  I don't allow myself to get dragged into family dramas anymore.  They're too stressful.  I've also learned to accept my disease and live with it.  My new mantra is to live the life I've been given.  And that's what I'm doing.  I'm LIVING.  Each day is a blessing to me, and I don't worry about tomorrow anymore.

My life is simplified.  I don't work anymore and I've applied for disability.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  It is what it is.  My bad days make my good days more special.  I go to a water therapy class, which has helped me move more.  I will never be able to go without my cane because of my balance issues, but that's ok - I got a bright pink one.  Might as well look pretty!  Our income is half what it used to be and I enjoy life a lot more.  I'm not working 10-15 hours a day anymore, too exhausted to enjoy anything.  My days now are filled with simple pleasures - opening my windows to celebrate the beginning of autumn...laughing at the antics of my dogs...cooking, yes, cooking a good meal.  Helping others, whether it's my Fibro Support Group online or something related to disabled veterans, I want to make a difference now in a small way.

I am so grateful that I was given another chance to live.  I would have missed out on the joys of a happy marriage, of blessed days and saving a life, even if it's a canine one.  I take joy in my photography again, in reading a good book and sharing a beautiful morning.  Life can be difficult, even too painful to bear sometimes, but there is always something to look forward to - a purpose - something to make us want to live.  I'm grateful I found it in time.  After losing so much this year, I'm happier now than I've ever been.

I'm at peace.