Spending My Tyme: Reflections

Today has been a day for reflection on the past year and I'm proud of the woman I've become.

It all started this morning when hubby brought me my morning coffee and told me that he was proud of me for getting up every day and taking care of him, the dogs and the house. The fact that it was spontaneous meant even more to me. After my breakdown last year, he and I reached an agreement that I would get up with him every morning, get cleaned up and get dressed. Even if I got no further than the couch, I would make an effort to live. I agreed with reluctance at first, because I had no desire to get dressed up to sit at him. But I know his request came from love and fear. He was afraid that he would lose me to the great depression I was suffering from and he loved me too much to let go.

It was the best deal I ever made.

With so many sleepless nights, overwhelming depression and a general sense of failure, I had no desire to get out of my cocoon and face this cruel world. Just let me stay buried and forget all my troubles. Forget how my life had changed overnight. Forget how I went from a busy, dynamic businesswoman to a chronic invalid. I didn't want to remember that the business I had slaved over was gone to me. All my dogs that I had grown to love over the years were now being watched over by someone else. Another person was running my idea, my baby. I wanted to forget that I was able to help with the construction of my business and now it was a challenge just to wash dishes.

I wanted to forget the isolation of being at home. I used to a be a social person. I loved meeting people and talking to them. I reveled in my social and people skills. Now, I sat at home, alone, and the phone didn't ring anymore. I learned very quickly who were my friends and who no longer had time for me. I think they were afraid that my condition was contagious and they didn't want to catch it.

As much as I wanted to give up on life, I had people in my life who wouldn't let me. Slowly, day by day, with the help of family, friends and a great therapist, I came out of shell. I started to cook dinner. At first, with great resentment. Later, as a challenge. Now, I enjoy finding meals that hubby loves. Then, I started to clean up the house a little. Before I knew it, I was like a mad woman, going through closets and drawers that had not seen the light of day in many years.

What was more astonishing was the fact that I was enjoying myself. No, I haven't turned into Martha Stewart. And no, I will never be a domestic diva. To me, it's about overcoming obstacles and challenges. It's about achieving a goal. It's about changing my mindset over what those goals are. I will never run a successful business again. That's ok. I did that already. Now, I'll focus on getting my kitchen cabinets cleaned out and feel like I've conquered the world.

My life is not perfect. There are days that I can barely move and there are days when the depression monster takes over. That's ok. I know I can beat it back. Slowly, in my own time. See, I've decided to quit being a spectator in my life and become a participant.

These days, I take pleasure in helping one person through a difficult time, rather than large numbers. My life is so much slower, but I like it that way. I get to enjoy each moment, each ripple I make in someone else's life. I enjoy the people in my life so much more, now that I take the time to get to know them.